cuz i get so clumsy

Have you ever just sat and wondered what is going on around you? I love doing that and not many people know i love that. This world is so high paced and its hard to actually get a second to think. I'm thinking about moving to the country after high school maybe. on another note Jason did amazing last night. If i fell is a beautiful song and my favorite Beatles song. I know that love isn't something you can be like "Oh i love him/her so much" love isn't real its all made for the Hollywood movies. I like being single and relationships are just stressing me out right now. Ryan and i are still together but i kinda wish we weren't because i know he can get someone without all the mood swings i have because of my own problems. Izaiah understands basically what I'm going threw with my life because his story is the same. He's a sweet guy that if any girl hurt I'll have to hurt you. well it seems i have lost my inspiration tonight and i actually think im going to talk a nap

i woke up this morning surrounded by tears

so this morning i woke up crying my eyes out. why is it that i really still have feelings for drew? this isnt right. Drew i going out with this leslie chick at my school and there happy. me and ryan are happy right? i dont know and i'll probably end up hurting him like i do to everyone else. i need to stop this chain of guys i keep hurting. i'm about ready to break down and start crying. i'm jealous of leslie and drew. why do i feel like this? why? i dont get it. i think i do need to go back to thearpy again. maybe anger mangement. im getting back to the point i was at 2 years ago. i miss my old friends and the memories we had. there gone and dead. they made me what i am today good and bad. i really should start my paper for english and doing my histroy but i cant seem to find the will to. and another thing that is bothering me. i cant spill my guts in here. i cant to anyone except for one person and i dont even know him in real life. what the fuck. i cant stop this thoughts anymore. ryan told me to stop thinking but does he even really know me? i cant stop thinking i cant just stop it. well im going to curl up and cry i think

im still in love with you

hey d. whasup? its like 10:30 here. im going to have shit to deal with tommorow out the ass so u know how thatl be. listen, and understand. your like my best freind in the world. i can talk to you and you make me feel alot better. just u help my mood so much. your just young in alot of ways, and i look at you and its like your innocent and have so much 2 learn. but thankfully i know better. ha ha. look that was the closest im ever gonna get to kissing you, but when i did, it wasnt what i expected. it didnt feel the way in my head i thought it would. in fact it made me feel bad. i just wanted to hug you more and more after that cause i didnt want to fuck anything up. i didnt want to hurt you but i want to be honest with you. i still love you dar, alot, thats never gonna go away. not in a million fucking years. but youve become closer to me in other ways. more like a little sister than someone i would date. people who date are gonna part ways eventually, but freinds are always gonna be freinds. your always gonna be that little thing in the back of my head and im never gonna forget the day i looked at your picture. but i wanna be honest, i dont wanna hurt you, but your my best freind, and i cant pretend its anything more. your smart dar, really smart. youve got way more common sense than i do, your beautiful and whatever dumbass cant see that can blow his brains out on the pavement. your something special that only comes along every once in a while, so i dont wanna throw that away, but i know its gonna hurt, i know its gonna be tough, but im asking you, as your best freind, as priest, as Will Ely, will you trust me, take my hand, and join the rest of us on this black parade.

so today its been a year since i got that message from someone i was head over heels for. we had these plans together and i thought they were gonna go far. i remember trying to not tell him i didnt love him when in reality i did. Will still wanted to be my best friend but i was hurt beyond hurt and now we barley talk. i miss that. i could tell him absoultly everything and he did the same to me. we would talk all night on the phone. he'd make fun of me when i found a shiny nickle and i lost track of what i was saying but it was a playful way not like your a freaking retard. i miss Will. Now i have someone else like him in my life and im afraid if Izaiah is gonna do that same thing. I really hope he doesnt i have handle this again